Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I wish I knew how my brain works

My mind has been going in all sorts of directions over the past few months.

The lows have been very low in my head. I haven't felt like this in a few years.

I do talk to my friends about it, but as of late I'm a little hesitant. I'm afraid of conversations with my friends constantly turning into "pity parties" for me as I try and has out what is going on in my head. Hell, I don't want what I write about on here about me to turn into a pity party for that matter.

You ever have the feeling in you head that you know that you're a smart person, but on a constant basis things, big and little seem out of your control and too big for you to handle? That's the way I feel on a semi regular basis. It confuses me that I have this going on in my head. For pity's sake, I'm a college graduate, and I have the student loans to prove it!

But sometimes (more often times than not), it feels like the whole grand scheme of things, living, working, all the things that encompass being a responsible person seem out of my grasp and that I'm not able to take care of myself. A perfect example is this; I know the amount of money that I need to make to cover the cost of living and any other bills that I have, but I get into the job that pays me that much, my anxiety will kick in and drop kick me into next week, and it feels like my brain will just shut down from all the anxiety and pressure. It leaves me thinking, "If I could find a job that pays this much just for stocking some shelves I'd be in much better shape." But like the old saying goes, more money, more problems.

I have given thought to finding a job closer to my home base and living with a parent until such a time that I feel that I'm in a better place emotionally (and money wise for that matter after getting screwed around by my last job) that I'm ready to take on the world again. I talked to both of my parents about it, and told them how I'm feeling and what I'm going through right now. The reaction was positive, my mom said I could come to her house and the first words out of my step mom's mouth were, "When do we start moving you?"

The thought of it does depress me a little. A guy in his 30's can't handle the big, bad world and has to retreat to living in his dad's basement? Yeah, the idea of that kinda sucks. But at this point, where it feels like emotionally I'm circling the drain the idea does appeal to me. Besides, if I were to move in with one of the parents it wouldn't be on a permanent basis, like I said just to when I feel like I'm in a better place in my head.


Xavier Onassis said...

For what it's worth, I'm 53 years old, been married twice, have a 14 year old daughter, have owned 2 homes, and I have all the same thoughts and feelings that you do.


Tony said...

Brave post Rusty.

I don't know you well but I think you're doing awesome and hoping that you're back to kicking ass in no time no matter what your decision.

Well Hell Michelle said...

Rusty, you love your independence. And you love your parents, but they drive you crazy :)